Rebuttal

We don't hate outsiders. We're just normal human beings. And normal human beings won't put up banners welcoming you into their cliques when they first meet you. Typical social behavior dictates that you be scrutinized before you get accepted into a group, much less if you want to date someone from that group. I'm sorry but I'm not gonna be your friend overnight.

Yes we were polite. We tried to be nice to you. We love our friends, that's why, for once, we tried being nice and wanted to give you a chance. And you have no idea how much it took us to keep trying. But, hey, no good deed goes unpunished, right? Well, I guess it would have saved us all the trouble if we just bitched about you right from the start and never gave you a chance, eh?

Well, I said we tried being nice. But we're not perfect. I'm sorry if at some point, we forgot our manners and talked about something you don't know about right in front of you. That's the problem when you share a decade of your life with other people. You tend to talk about it and laugh about it without even realizing it. I'm sorry if it made you feel awkward. But honey, we won't watch our every step just for you.

There will never be any girl that deserves our guy friends. We will always find flaws in them. Yes, we are way worse than their mothers. We will always be bitchy with their girlfriends. But that doesn't mean that we would stand in the way of their happiness. If they think they'd be happy with you, then go right ahead. Be happy with each other. It doesn't mean we have to like the idea but we understand.

We don't like you but we were nice to you. We don't like you but we never said anything bad about you. We don't like you but we never did anything to get rid of you. That's not being a fake. That's called civility. Too bad you don't know that. If only you have tried to act with the same manner. If only you have tried to suck it up and play nice for a little while. We could have gotten along just fine. But no, you just had to be true to yourself. So you hate our guts. But I hate to state the obvious, we don't like you any better.

Well, I guess we're done here. We have ranted, just the same you've had. We've said our pieces. You've taken enough of our time. One day's all we've got to lose. Don't worry, we're not losing any sleep over you. And, by the way, thank you very much for giving us a more better reason not to like you. Ta ta. :)

I crush him. I crush him a lot. ^_^

After ten years and some, I still have this huge crush on him. No, no. He's not the guy I've been ranting about from the previous blogs. He's the other guy. The other guy I've been nuts about but never been in love with.

I feel compelled to write about him. He's a big part of my crazy life, without his knowledge, of course, and I so badly want to tell the story about it. But not now.

It would take plenty of time to tell his part in my twisted life. Time that I don't have right now. But soon, I will.

It's just that, right now, at 2:46 am, I find myself smiling at the thought of him. I find it very comforting to find something consistent amidst all the changes I'm afraid I'm facing right now. Just the thought of him makes me smile. One look at his photo makes me feel gooey inside. In a very crazy way, he keeps me sane. And the best part is, he doesn't have the tiniest idea.

I gotta stop now. If I don't stop, I'll be telling the long tale of how he came to be my knight in shining armor. When I find the time, I'd indulge myself with remembering all those laughable, if not pathetic, moments I had with him, and share it with the world wide web.

For the meantime, I need to sleep. I wish I'd dream of him. :)

He's Just Not That Into You

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope. "

-from the movie, He's Just Not That Into You

This movie is one of my favorites. I love the Gigi-Alex part. I get so kilig when Alex finally realizes that he likes Gigi. Especially when he said "You are my exception." It makes me wish that someone would tell me that too. Haha. :)

Forgetting

I'm scared.

I'm trying to remember how I felt for him. I'm trying to remember moments I had with him. I'm trying to remember the boy I used to care about. And I just can't.

Well, this is ironic. I should be happy now. For the longest time, I've been praying that the pain caused by being the only one in love would go away. I've been hoping that one day I'd be able to remember him and not remember how I felt. Now that that moment is finally here, I'm scared.

I'm realizing now that I'd be a liar if I tell that I tried to forget him. Now that I'm thinking about it, I never really tried to forget. On the contrary, I've always remembered him. I'd always reminisce about how it used to be. I'd replay moments I had with him over and over in my mind. I never fail to mention him or relate how I felt for him when I'm talking with friends. I noticed a long time ago that every morning when I wake up, I would instantly think of him and I'd say his name on my mind.

What I didn't notice is that everything has already faded away, that it has already lost its meaning. Everything was just out of habit. And that probably, I have already forgotten him and I was just forcing myself to remember.

Why the heck am I scared that I'm finally really forgetting how I felt?

Well, for one, it makes me feel like everything has been a lie.

Although I said I was trying to forget him, at the back of my mind, I've always believed that I'd never be able to. He was the love of my life. How the hell am I supposed to forget that, right? Forgetting how I felt makes me question myself if really did love him. Maybe this was just infatuation all along. Maybe it wasn't love. Maybe because I was in desperate need to have someone to love, I convinced myself that I was in love with him. I don't know. I'm suddenly so confused. But if I didn't really love him, why did everything felt so real? Why did it take this long for me to get over it?

I've loved him for forever. I loved him before I even knew what love is. I've had my heart broken over and over and over because of him. I've cried a river. I felt unreasonably happy just because I saw him. I felt my heart jump at a simple smile from him. I felt a million different things because of him.

That's reason number two. He made me feel human. Scratch that. He made me feel. Having those memories of him made me feel like everybody else. Honestly, I reveled in the pain that loving him caused me. I thought, at least, I'm still feeling something. Now, it's just nothing. It's sad.

And then there's this - I've always said that forgetting him would be like forgetting half of who I am. And that is how it feels right now, somehow. It's like every memory I had in the past is somehow connected to him and it's very hard to remember it now. Isn't it funny? I used to complain that it's so hard to forget him. Now, I'm complaining that I can't remember. Aaargh. Ironies.

Or maybe, I'm suffering from an early onset of Alzheimer's disease. Hahaha. Now, that's scary. :D

Really, now, it just boils down into this - my life mostly revolved around him (more like, my idea of him) and now that my heart has, somehow, voluntarily let go of him, I'm scared that I won't have a life. Well, I mean, my life's already a bore, I'm afraid it's gonna get more boring without him.

Technically, he won't be out of my life, really. He's been my friend for so long and I'd like to think that he'll always be. And surprisingly, that's all he is to me right now.

This will sound very clichéd, and very much like the song, but I just gotta say it. I remember the boy but I don't remember the feeling anymore. Yes. I'm currently scared about all this but at the same time I feel like smiling and tapping myself on the back. Finally, I've let go of something I never really had.

Yesterday, I was watching NCIS and there was a line that Gibbs said and it hit me. "You don't forget. You just move on." Honestly, I don't wanna forget him. I wanna remember and be able to smile at the memories. I wanna remember how pathetic I was and laugh about it. I want to remember and then not really care about what I would remember. I don't want to forget. I just want to move on.

This morning, when I woke up, I remembered a quote I heard from before - The heart remembers what the mind forgets. We'll there's that. Maybe my heart has a better memory. We'll see. :)

Brighter Side of Things

I was talking to a friend earlier and she was complaining that she's bored with her job. I told her that at least she's getting paid for being bored and she laughed and told me that I've got a point. Then I told her, (she's been feeling a little bit down since she broke up with her boyfriend a couple months ago) "That's what you do when you feel shitty about life. You look at the brighter side of things." And that has been one of my life's principle. Always look at the bright side of things. Always try to be positive. Enjoy life. Be happy.

So, no matter how much of a loser I become, I'm still gonna see the bright side of life. :)

You Rock My World

Funny (and nakakakilig) anecdote of the day:

We (G*, Elle*, Bee* and me) were at a drugstore to buy medicine for his asthma. While they were at the counter waiting for the medicine, I was looking around for something when I suddenly felt dizzy.

Me: (talking to Bee) Lumilindol ba?

Bee: (asks G and Elle) Lumilindol ba daw? Hindi naman di ba?

Elle: Hindi.

Me: Nahihilo ako eh.

Elle: Hindi naman lumilindol. Baka nahihilo ka nga lang.

G: Alam ko bakit pakiramdam mo lumilindol...

We waited for what reason he was about to say.

G: (while looking down, as if nahihiya sya sa sasabihin nya) Kasi nakita mo ako.

I stared blankly at him, clueless, while he was grinning mischievously. Elle and Bee also stared at him, clueless as well, though they were on a brink of laughter.

G: Kasi I rock your world. :)

I was momentarily speechless before I almost choked on my laughter. It took me a while before I was able to give a halfhearted "Parang hindi naman." as a comeback.

Surprisingly, I missed him terribly. I missed sharing this kind of banter with him. And I must admit, for a moment there, he really did rock my world. :)

*not their real names. :D

I Love You, Goodbye

I don’t know why I loved you. I just know I love you. I think I have loved you before I even knew what love is. All I know is that I’m happy when I’m with you. I enjoy being with you. My heart breaks when I see you sad. I feel happy when you are happy. I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to make you feel loved and important. And I just wanted to be the most important girl in your life.

I can’t find a single exact moment where I realized that I’m in love with you. It’s not as if I woke up one morning and I suddenly knew I love you. Nope. No mornings with sudden realizations for me. When I try to remember how I knew I love you, I see moments where we are laughing together, having a good conversation, you’re making me smile, and you’re causing butterflies to whirl in my stomach by a simple touch of hand. I also remember moments where I find you hurt and I’m left wishing that I could take away your pain.

Throughout the years, you have unconsciously caused me a lot of heartaches and many people ask me why I still love you after all. I’m also wondering. It always seemed like I can’t walk away from you. Just hearing you call out my name and seeing you smiling at me makes all the pain go away. I never hated you for causing me tears.

And not once did I regret loving you. Loving you led me to being with the best people in the world and to a lot of memories, among so many other things. Regretting loving you would be like trying to forget half of who I am. But yes, I do have regrets. I regret loving you too much.

I loved you too much; it’s hard to be just a friend. Over and over, I’ve said that I’m letting go and moving on. But at the back of my mind, I’m longing to be the one that makes you happy. Sometimes, I wanted to just run away from the pain but I also wanted to stay and be your friend.

There were times I was convinced that I don’t feel anything for you anymore. But then, I will hear that you’ve been hurt again, and I will feel an urge to run to you and hold you in my arms. Many times, I have to keep myself from doing just that because I’m just your friend. I wasn’t supposed to break into the picture. I can only help you from the sidelines.

I have realized a long time ago that you can’t love me beyond what our friendship offers. I have already accepted that fact. The problem isn’t the way you feel for me. The problem is the way I feel for you.

After you learned my feelings about you and after I have told myself that it’s time to move on, I had struggles between walking away from how I feel for you and then finding myself loving you again. It was like that for years – taking a step away and then running back. I had doubts if I’ll ever be able to get over you. But now, it amazes me to see myself finally taking that big step away from you, and this time without turning back.

No. I won’t say I’m over you yet. My heart still aches to see that someone else is making you happy. Sometimes, I still can’t help thinking what could’ve been if you loved me instead. But then, I can now easily dismiss these thoughts as wishful thinking, as something I wanted in the past. Now, I can talk about how I felt for you without awkwardness and I can even find myself laughing about it, with you. And I’m convinced that someday, you will just be my friend.

Yes, I still love you, but not as much as before. I just love you a little more than the rest. I guess it will always be that way. You will always be special to me. You will always be my best memory.

I know you love me. Not as much as I wished it would be, but nonetheless, you love me. I know I’m important to you, maybe not the most important girl in your life, but that’s good enough. I know you will always be there for me and I’m happy knowing that you will always be a part of my life, and I will always be in yours, no matter what.

You told me that our friendship today is stronger than ever and I believe you. And I’d like to think that in time, it will even be better.

By the way, I guess I never thanked you for being cool about all this. I know it wasn’t easy for you either and I want to thank you for being my friend all throughout. Know that you have made me a better person and I am very grateful that God brought you to my life. I will always wish for your happiness.

So for the last time, in the romantic sense, I love you. :)

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