Rebuttal

We don't hate outsiders. We're just normal human beings. And normal human beings won't put up banners welcoming you into their cliques when they first meet you. Typical social behavior dictates that you be scrutinized before you get accepted into a group, much less if you want to date someone from that group. I'm sorry but I'm not gonna be your friend overnight.

Yes we were polite. We tried to be nice to you. We love our friends, that's why, for once, we tried being nice and wanted to give you a chance. And you have no idea how much it took us to keep trying. But, hey, no good deed goes unpunished, right? Well, I guess it would have saved us all the trouble if we just bitched about you right from the start and never gave you a chance, eh?

Well, I said we tried being nice. But we're not perfect. I'm sorry if at some point, we forgot our manners and talked about something you don't know about right in front of you. That's the problem when you share a decade of your life with other people. You tend to talk about it and laugh about it without even realizing it. I'm sorry if it made you feel awkward. But honey, we won't watch our every step just for you.

There will never be any girl that deserves our guy friends. We will always find flaws in them. Yes, we are way worse than their mothers. We will always be bitchy with their girlfriends. But that doesn't mean that we would stand in the way of their happiness. If they think they'd be happy with you, then go right ahead. Be happy with each other. It doesn't mean we have to like the idea but we understand.

We don't like you but we were nice to you. We don't like you but we never said anything bad about you. We don't like you but we never did anything to get rid of you. That's not being a fake. That's called civility. Too bad you don't know that. If only you have tried to act with the same manner. If only you have tried to suck it up and play nice for a little while. We could have gotten along just fine. But no, you just had to be true to yourself. So you hate our guts. But I hate to state the obvious, we don't like you any better.

Well, I guess we're done here. We have ranted, just the same you've had. We've said our pieces. You've taken enough of our time. One day's all we've got to lose. Don't worry, we're not losing any sleep over you. And, by the way, thank you very much for giving us a more better reason not to like you. Ta ta. :)

I crush him. I crush him a lot. ^_^

After ten years and some, I still have this huge crush on him. No, no. He's not the guy I've been ranting about from the previous blogs. He's the other guy. The other guy I've been nuts about but never been in love with.

I feel compelled to write about him. He's a big part of my crazy life, without his knowledge, of course, and I so badly want to tell the story about it. But not now.

It would take plenty of time to tell his part in my twisted life. Time that I don't have right now. But soon, I will.

It's just that, right now, at 2:46 am, I find myself smiling at the thought of him. I find it very comforting to find something consistent amidst all the changes I'm afraid I'm facing right now. Just the thought of him makes me smile. One look at his photo makes me feel gooey inside. In a very crazy way, he keeps me sane. And the best part is, he doesn't have the tiniest idea.

I gotta stop now. If I don't stop, I'll be telling the long tale of how he came to be my knight in shining armor. When I find the time, I'd indulge myself with remembering all those laughable, if not pathetic, moments I had with him, and share it with the world wide web.

For the meantime, I need to sleep. I wish I'd dream of him. :)

He's Just Not That Into You

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope. "

-from the movie, He's Just Not That Into You

This movie is one of my favorites. I love the Gigi-Alex part. I get so kilig when Alex finally realizes that he likes Gigi. Especially when he said "You are my exception." It makes me wish that someone would tell me that too. Haha. :)

Forgetting

I'm scared.

I'm trying to remember how I felt for him. I'm trying to remember moments I had with him. I'm trying to remember the boy I used to care about. And I just can't.

Well, this is ironic. I should be happy now. For the longest time, I've been praying that the pain caused by being the only one in love would go away. I've been hoping that one day I'd be able to remember him and not remember how I felt. Now that that moment is finally here, I'm scared.

I'm realizing now that I'd be a liar if I tell that I tried to forget him. Now that I'm thinking about it, I never really tried to forget. On the contrary, I've always remembered him. I'd always reminisce about how it used to be. I'd replay moments I had with him over and over in my mind. I never fail to mention him or relate how I felt for him when I'm talking with friends. I noticed a long time ago that every morning when I wake up, I would instantly think of him and I'd say his name on my mind.

What I didn't notice is that everything has already faded away, that it has already lost its meaning. Everything was just out of habit. And that probably, I have already forgotten him and I was just forcing myself to remember.

Why the heck am I scared that I'm finally really forgetting how I felt?

Well, for one, it makes me feel like everything has been a lie.

Although I said I was trying to forget him, at the back of my mind, I've always believed that I'd never be able to. He was the love of my life. How the hell am I supposed to forget that, right? Forgetting how I felt makes me question myself if really did love him. Maybe this was just infatuation all along. Maybe it wasn't love. Maybe because I was in desperate need to have someone to love, I convinced myself that I was in love with him. I don't know. I'm suddenly so confused. But if I didn't really love him, why did everything felt so real? Why did it take this long for me to get over it?

I've loved him for forever. I loved him before I even knew what love is. I've had my heart broken over and over and over because of him. I've cried a river. I felt unreasonably happy just because I saw him. I felt my heart jump at a simple smile from him. I felt a million different things because of him.

That's reason number two. He made me feel human. Scratch that. He made me feel. Having those memories of him made me feel like everybody else. Honestly, I reveled in the pain that loving him caused me. I thought, at least, I'm still feeling something. Now, it's just nothing. It's sad.

And then there's this - I've always said that forgetting him would be like forgetting half of who I am. And that is how it feels right now, somehow. It's like every memory I had in the past is somehow connected to him and it's very hard to remember it now. Isn't it funny? I used to complain that it's so hard to forget him. Now, I'm complaining that I can't remember. Aaargh. Ironies.

Or maybe, I'm suffering from an early onset of Alzheimer's disease. Hahaha. Now, that's scary. :D

Really, now, it just boils down into this - my life mostly revolved around him (more like, my idea of him) and now that my heart has, somehow, voluntarily let go of him, I'm scared that I won't have a life. Well, I mean, my life's already a bore, I'm afraid it's gonna get more boring without him.

Technically, he won't be out of my life, really. He's been my friend for so long and I'd like to think that he'll always be. And surprisingly, that's all he is to me right now.

This will sound very clichéd, and very much like the song, but I just gotta say it. I remember the boy but I don't remember the feeling anymore. Yes. I'm currently scared about all this but at the same time I feel like smiling and tapping myself on the back. Finally, I've let go of something I never really had.

Yesterday, I was watching NCIS and there was a line that Gibbs said and it hit me. "You don't forget. You just move on." Honestly, I don't wanna forget him. I wanna remember and be able to smile at the memories. I wanna remember how pathetic I was and laugh about it. I want to remember and then not really care about what I would remember. I don't want to forget. I just want to move on.

This morning, when I woke up, I remembered a quote I heard from before - The heart remembers what the mind forgets. We'll there's that. Maybe my heart has a better memory. We'll see. :)