He's Just Not That Into You

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope. "

-from the movie, He's Just Not That Into You

This movie is one of my favorites. I love the Gigi-Alex part. I get so kilig when Alex finally realizes that he likes Gigi. Especially when he said "You are my exception." It makes me wish that someone would tell me that too. Haha. :)

Forgetting

I'm scared.

I'm trying to remember how I felt for him. I'm trying to remember moments I had with him. I'm trying to remember the boy I used to care about. And I just can't.

Well, this is ironic. I should be happy now. For the longest time, I've been praying that the pain caused by being the only one in love would go away. I've been hoping that one day I'd be able to remember him and not remember how I felt. Now that that moment is finally here, I'm scared.

I'm realizing now that I'd be a liar if I tell that I tried to forget him. Now that I'm thinking about it, I never really tried to forget. On the contrary, I've always remembered him. I'd always reminisce about how it used to be. I'd replay moments I had with him over and over in my mind. I never fail to mention him or relate how I felt for him when I'm talking with friends. I noticed a long time ago that every morning when I wake up, I would instantly think of him and I'd say his name on my mind.

What I didn't notice is that everything has already faded away, that it has already lost its meaning. Everything was just out of habit. And that probably, I have already forgotten him and I was just forcing myself to remember.

Why the heck am I scared that I'm finally really forgetting how I felt?

Well, for one, it makes me feel like everything has been a lie.

Although I said I was trying to forget him, at the back of my mind, I've always believed that I'd never be able to. He was the love of my life. How the hell am I supposed to forget that, right? Forgetting how I felt makes me question myself if really did love him. Maybe this was just infatuation all along. Maybe it wasn't love. Maybe because I was in desperate need to have someone to love, I convinced myself that I was in love with him. I don't know. I'm suddenly so confused. But if I didn't really love him, why did everything felt so real? Why did it take this long for me to get over it?

I've loved him for forever. I loved him before I even knew what love is. I've had my heart broken over and over and over because of him. I've cried a river. I felt unreasonably happy just because I saw him. I felt my heart jump at a simple smile from him. I felt a million different things because of him.

That's reason number two. He made me feel human. Scratch that. He made me feel. Having those memories of him made me feel like everybody else. Honestly, I reveled in the pain that loving him caused me. I thought, at least, I'm still feeling something. Now, it's just nothing. It's sad.

And then there's this - I've always said that forgetting him would be like forgetting half of who I am. And that is how it feels right now, somehow. It's like every memory I had in the past is somehow connected to him and it's very hard to remember it now. Isn't it funny? I used to complain that it's so hard to forget him. Now, I'm complaining that I can't remember. Aaargh. Ironies.

Or maybe, I'm suffering from an early onset of Alzheimer's disease. Hahaha. Now, that's scary. :D

Really, now, it just boils down into this - my life mostly revolved around him (more like, my idea of him) and now that my heart has, somehow, voluntarily let go of him, I'm scared that I won't have a life. Well, I mean, my life's already a bore, I'm afraid it's gonna get more boring without him.

Technically, he won't be out of my life, really. He's been my friend for so long and I'd like to think that he'll always be. And surprisingly, that's all he is to me right now.

This will sound very clichéd, and very much like the song, but I just gotta say it. I remember the boy but I don't remember the feeling anymore. Yes. I'm currently scared about all this but at the same time I feel like smiling and tapping myself on the back. Finally, I've let go of something I never really had.

Yesterday, I was watching NCIS and there was a line that Gibbs said and it hit me. "You don't forget. You just move on." Honestly, I don't wanna forget him. I wanna remember and be able to smile at the memories. I wanna remember how pathetic I was and laugh about it. I want to remember and then not really care about what I would remember. I don't want to forget. I just want to move on.

This morning, when I woke up, I remembered a quote I heard from before - The heart remembers what the mind forgets. We'll there's that. Maybe my heart has a better memory. We'll see. :)