You Rock My World

Funny (and nakakakilig) anecdote of the day:

We (G*, Elle*, Bee* and me) were at a drugstore to buy medicine for his asthma. While they were at the counter waiting for the medicine, I was looking around for something when I suddenly felt dizzy.

Me: (talking to Bee) Lumilindol ba?

Bee: (asks G and Elle) Lumilindol ba daw? Hindi naman di ba?

Elle: Hindi.

Me: Nahihilo ako eh.

Elle: Hindi naman lumilindol. Baka nahihilo ka nga lang.

G: Alam ko bakit pakiramdam mo lumilindol...

We waited for what reason he was about to say.

G: (while looking down, as if nahihiya sya sa sasabihin nya) Kasi nakita mo ako.

I stared blankly at him, clueless, while he was grinning mischievously. Elle and Bee also stared at him, clueless as well, though they were on a brink of laughter.

G: Kasi I rock your world. :)

I was momentarily speechless before I almost choked on my laughter. It took me a while before I was able to give a halfhearted "Parang hindi naman." as a comeback.

Surprisingly, I missed him terribly. I missed sharing this kind of banter with him. And I must admit, for a moment there, he really did rock my world. :)

*not their real names. :D

I Love You, Goodbye

I don’t know why I loved you. I just know I love you. I think I have loved you before I even knew what love is. All I know is that I’m happy when I’m with you. I enjoy being with you. My heart breaks when I see you sad. I feel happy when you are happy. I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to make you feel loved and important. And I just wanted to be the most important girl in your life.

I can’t find a single exact moment where I realized that I’m in love with you. It’s not as if I woke up one morning and I suddenly knew I love you. Nope. No mornings with sudden realizations for me. When I try to remember how I knew I love you, I see moments where we are laughing together, having a good conversation, you’re making me smile, and you’re causing butterflies to whirl in my stomach by a simple touch of hand. I also remember moments where I find you hurt and I’m left wishing that I could take away your pain.

Throughout the years, you have unconsciously caused me a lot of heartaches and many people ask me why I still love you after all. I’m also wondering. It always seemed like I can’t walk away from you. Just hearing you call out my name and seeing you smiling at me makes all the pain go away. I never hated you for causing me tears.

And not once did I regret loving you. Loving you led me to being with the best people in the world and to a lot of memories, among so many other things. Regretting loving you would be like trying to forget half of who I am. But yes, I do have regrets. I regret loving you too much.

I loved you too much; it’s hard to be just a friend. Over and over, I’ve said that I’m letting go and moving on. But at the back of my mind, I’m longing to be the one that makes you happy. Sometimes, I wanted to just run away from the pain but I also wanted to stay and be your friend.

There were times I was convinced that I don’t feel anything for you anymore. But then, I will hear that you’ve been hurt again, and I will feel an urge to run to you and hold you in my arms. Many times, I have to keep myself from doing just that because I’m just your friend. I wasn’t supposed to break into the picture. I can only help you from the sidelines.

I have realized a long time ago that you can’t love me beyond what our friendship offers. I have already accepted that fact. The problem isn’t the way you feel for me. The problem is the way I feel for you.

After you learned my feelings about you and after I have told myself that it’s time to move on, I had struggles between walking away from how I feel for you and then finding myself loving you again. It was like that for years – taking a step away and then running back. I had doubts if I’ll ever be able to get over you. But now, it amazes me to see myself finally taking that big step away from you, and this time without turning back.

No. I won’t say I’m over you yet. My heart still aches to see that someone else is making you happy. Sometimes, I still can’t help thinking what could’ve been if you loved me instead. But then, I can now easily dismiss these thoughts as wishful thinking, as something I wanted in the past. Now, I can talk about how I felt for you without awkwardness and I can even find myself laughing about it, with you. And I’m convinced that someday, you will just be my friend.

Yes, I still love you, but not as much as before. I just love you a little more than the rest. I guess it will always be that way. You will always be special to me. You will always be my best memory.

I know you love me. Not as much as I wished it would be, but nonetheless, you love me. I know I’m important to you, maybe not the most important girl in your life, but that’s good enough. I know you will always be there for me and I’m happy knowing that you will always be a part of my life, and I will always be in yours, no matter what.

You told me that our friendship today is stronger than ever and I believe you. And I’d like to think that in time, it will even be better.

By the way, I guess I never thanked you for being cool about all this. I know it wasn’t easy for you either and I want to thank you for being my friend all throughout. Know that you have made me a better person and I am very grateful that God brought you to my life. I will always wish for your happiness.

So for the last time, in the romantic sense, I love you. :)

decemberfifteentwentyohnine

Andito Lang Ako

naghahanap ka ng pagmamahal...

matagal na kitang minamahal.

hinahanap mo ang iyong kaligayahan...

ikaw ang aking kaligayahan.

ilang beses, ilang ulit mo pa bang kailangang masaktan?

hanggang saan, hanggang kailan akong maghihintay?

I Still Love You

The following are excerpts from something I wrote more than 4 years ago, I think. I've posted bits and pieces of it to my other sites and I've gm'ed it to almost everyone in my contacts over the years. But I never really had the heart to post the entire thing. I know I said before that I'd post the entire thing when I've finally moved on or just have the courage to do it. But I don't think I'd be able to post it ever. Not that I haven't moved on yet. It's because, first of all, I can't find the whole piece. Haha! I don't have it in my files anymore and I think I've given the only hard copy I got to my best friend to burn. LOL. Secondly, I wrote this during a time that I was so broken hearted and I've mentioned someone else (besides "him") and said some things that wasn't very nice. She is a very good friend and I feel foolish for saying those things about her and I'm kinda hoping that she'll never know I ever thought of her that way. Hehe! We've all moved on and it's useless to dig up those issues. Now, really, it comes down to not having the courage to post it. Haha. So again, here are those bits and pieces. Eto yung mga pinakamadramang part. :)

I still love you. But I learned to live with the fact that you and I can never be together. You seem happy to be with her and I am happy for you. I am starting to live a life without much of you.

I’m still your friend. I’m supposed to wish you all the good things. But I am also in love with you.

I still love you. But I was afraid to see you again. I was scared to admit that I still love you, even to myself.

I was scared that I’ll love you even more.

Yes, I was laughing my heart out that day and who would have known that you could do that while you felt like your heart is being ripped apart?

It was the longest five hours of my entire life..

..I never knew that sitting in a room with the two of you could be so emotionally tiring.

I still love you. Though it kills me, I still love you.

Knowing that you are in love with her hurts, seeing how much is another story.

I was not hurt by you. I was the one who inflicted pain upon me.

I still love you. But you cannot love me beyond what our friendship offers.

After reading this again, I feel a little sad not being able to tell him these things. Wish I had the guts to. Funny how I can still clearly remember how I felt that day. :)

Happy Endings

Posted: Oct 26, '07 4:45 AM

.cynical yet hopeful.

i dont believe in happy endings...

but i'm hoping that someday,

i'll be proven wrong.

This just goes to show how full of ironies I am. Haha. I am a self-proclaimed romantic but I get cynical when it comes to happy endings. I don't believe that every story ends in happily-ever-after. How does one get happy when something beautiful ends, right? :P But then, I won't mind being wrong about this someday. If someday I find myself saying that I've found my happy ending then I'd be so happy to laugh at myself for once believing that it didn't exist. :)

Just a couple of days ago, I was in a chat conference with my girlfriends. One of them just had her heart broken and she said that there's no such thing as happy endings and that she doesn't want to love anymore. And then I found myself telling her a "tweaked" version of the above statement, "i also don't believe in happy endings. but that doesn't mean i don't enjoy the search for it." Yeah, i feel like I'm not gonna live happily ever after but I do want to fall in love. Even if it means that I'll feel the happiness for just a fleeting second, that's good enough for me. At least at one point I felt happy. :)

I posted the "revised" statement at my twitter account and a friend replied, "why search for it if you don't believe?" and I answered, "baka kasi mali pala ako. baka may happy ending pala. haha." to which she replied, "adik ka ate! hahaha." And I could just imagine her shaking with laughter. :))

It's nice to be conflicted at times. And it would be really nice to be not expecting anything and be surprised in the end. :)

I'm Not A Snob

Posted: Thursday, August 16th, 2007

.snob.

i'm opinionated, yes.

i like speaking what's on my mind.

sometimes, i may not find the best words on how to say them but i mean no harm.

so please. be more understanding.

i'm not a snob.

Some people tell me that I'm a snob and I often find myself explaining myself to them. I really don't see myself as a snob. As a matter of fact, I'm very friendly. I'm a very sweet person. I'm also very very humble. Haha. Just kiddin'. But really, I'm not a snob. As I've said, I can be very opinionated at times and I may rub off on people the wrong way but I never, never mean any harm. It's sad sometimes that those people who tell me that I'm a snob are the people whom I expect to know me better. It's frustrating that I have to explain what I really meant over and over. And it's annoying that they interpret the littlest detail of what I said (or texted. or emailed.) the wrong way. Yes, I'm not a snob. But I can be when needed. *wicked grin*

Being a Pessimist for a Moment

Posted: Saturday, August 19th, 2006

.pessimistic.

sometimes we have to convince ourselves that no such thing as love exists..

why?

cos we can't be hurt by something that doesn't exist..

I remember telling this to a friend. He had his heart broken and he's been ranting about his ex-girlfriend for about a month and I got fed up. Haha. I know I was mean. But it's just too weird having a guy mope around about a girl (who doesn't deserve the moping, actually). :S

Anyways, I've always thought of myself as an optimist. But there are times when I also get pessimistic about things. This is one of those moments. Though I'm a hopeless romantic, there are times that I'd really like to believe that love doesn't really exist just so I can guard my heart. But who am I kidding? Love is all around, whether I like it or not.

Masaya nga ba ako?

Posted: Saturday, August 19th, 2006

..masaya ako..

minsan...

kelangan nating magpanggap na masaya..

..para sa ikaliligaya ng iba..

Nakakalungkot isipin na mula noon, hanggang ngayon, ganito pa rin ang sitwasyon ko. Madalas, nagpapanggap pa rin akong masaya kahit nasasaktan na ako.

I Just Realized I'm A Bad Poet

Another I-think-this-is-a-poem-I-wrote. :D Well, if I did write this, then I guess I should stop trying to write poems. Haha. But then again 5 years is a long time. Maybe I've improved.

As embarrassing as I think this is, it still has its "sentimental value". If I wrote this then this must've been written during that time that I was so in love with this guy. It's a bit of a summary of how I felt back then.

It's fun to look back and laugh at myself. :)

Posted: Friday, December 9th, 2005

.realizations.

-things that i realized-

i realized that even if i love you more than my life

still i can’t have you

i realized that whatever i do

i can’t change the way you feel

i realized that i’m just a friend and that is the end

because more than that is nothing

i realized how important she is in your life

i realized how much you love her

how much you care

i realized that my tears are not worth it

because to hate you is impossible

i realized that i have to forget you

and change the way i feel for you

i realized that you’re really not for me

i realized so many things

and its because of you.

Definitely Something From The Past

My first find. :)

I think this is a poem I wrote. I'm not really sure. LOL. But I remember that when I found it, it was just written in my journal with a date on it and no title. But it talked about something so familiar, I really think it's my work. :) It's kinda embarrassing. Haha!

Posted: Sunday, November 13th, 2005

.something from the past.

you used to care for me

you used to love me

but now it seems you don’t care

nor even know i’m there

i know i was stupid

to ignore all that you did

but if only i knew

what it would take to lose you

i’ll promise i’ll never let you go

but now it’s too late

there’s nothing i can do

you’re in the arms of someone else

though i want to hold you

i just want you to know

though it seems that i don’t care

deep inside me, you’ll always be there

092502

Ready, Set, Blab

My supposedly-short-time hiatus from blogging took a lot longer than expected. I already took and passed my licensure exam about a month ago (Yay me! Praying does work! Haha!) and I was planning to start blogging again after the exams. However, something came up. Nope, I don't have a job yet. I'm still sitting on my pretty, lazy butt. Haha! I'm working on finding one soon though. I wasn't able to blog 'cos I'm not comfortable blogging on someone else's pc/laptop. Yep, Luffy went through some rough times yet again. Her charger just stopped working. And since I don't have money (I'm so broke. Huhu. Must.Really.Find.A.Job.Soon!), I wasn't able to buy her a new one. My nephew and my sister were willing to buy her one but then the model of her charger is always out of stock. Just when I was about to give up, my sister's computer technician (Her pc's acting up too. Hehe.) offered to try and fix the charger. And yay! It works! Luffy's back and kickin' again. :)

While I'm slowly trying to find a job, I'm gonna do one of the things I love to do: blab! Haha. I'm still getting a little warmed up for writing so I'm gonna check my files and old posts (Read: Friendster/Multiply accounts.) first for interesting stuff and post them here. :)